The Relationship Tarot Reading

The devil offers relationship advice like a matchmaker of lust. This Relationship spread attempts to break down the realtionship between 2 people using a scientific method of psychology. It is interpreted by analyzing the differences between the matching cards on either side of the relationship.

The first card to be seen is the significator. This card represents the overall theme and mood of the entire relationship. Next we move to interpreting the 2 columns that characterize each individual's role in the pair.

The top row shows the conscious thoughts of each person, or what they think about the relationship and their partner. The middle row, cards #6-3 show the way each individual feels about the other.

The bottom row represents the way each person acts in the relationship. The stance they take could be genuine, or maybe it is just a facade.

The gate of sunset seems to be the setting for a long dark path. This card is another bad omen. It shows a treacherous road if evolution from the point of view of a low life lobster. The ridiculous ideas of evolution that are suggested by this card are meaningless. A lobster will never evolve into a human being no matter how much time passes.

A dog and a wolf show that man's best friend is sort of a creation of creative breeders, so maybe evolution makes a small amount of sense. They are trying to suggest here that man is equal to God though and this is evil. The crusty crustacean will not make it up the mountains. It will naturally sink back to the slimy abyss that spawned it. This is where the nasty thing belongs.

Upright keywords: uncertain, unknown, dark, scary, dismal, gloomy, impromptu, on the fly

The 8 of Swords is a card of cruelty, bondage, and suffering. A blindfolded woman has been abducted and tied up. She stands upon the sandy forks of the delta, where the river meets the sea. She is surrounded by the 8 swords to remind her that she isn't going anywhere. In the distance a castle sits atop a high hill by the seaside.

This is a card of certain evil. Someone may have performed an evil love spell of bondage. It is not love if it seeks to capture and enslave. This is sin. It is also folly. One can not possess another person. Any desire to do such is wickedness.

It is a sign of oppression and interference. The castle on the shore taunts her with the vision of an unattainable paradise. Of course she can't see it being blindfolded, but she can certainly hear it. She is bound to her evil ways.

Reversed keywords: cruelty, bondage, oppression, evil, malevolent, sinister, sadism

Twice the evil is twice the fun. Also twice the trouble. This joker balances 2 pentagrams, waving his arms like the sea. His perverted sexual innuendo likens himself to a human penis. I will not explain the depraved meanings of his solo dance routine, so not to glorify his self-abuse. It is better not to give this desperate, depraved fool any attention.

He likens the sea to a giant body of flowing semen. This is noticable as he mimics the high tide with his enormous testicles. There is no mistake about it, not wearing that giant condom top hat. The card clearly represents the male mating dance ritual.

The man might be a male stripper as the party clown. There's a better chance that it is just some pathetic chronic masturbator though, a sick soul lustfully devouring itself. Whatever the case, the card is all about a guy with sex on the brain, wearing a condom hat as if his thoughts were erect.

Reversed keywords: gaiety, simulated pleasure, logical sense, writing, composition, exchanging letters

The questionable attire that this guy flamboyantly flaunts makes me wonder about him. It's been a very extremely long time since it's been fashionable for men to wear tights in public. He lustfully gazes at the peak of the staff as he holds it in his hands like a baby. What a strange fellow he is.

He wears a derby with a prominent feather to symbolize that he is an accomplished individual, despite his appearance. He may in fact be merely eccentric because of the feather in his cap. Maybe that's why he's so happy that he prances around like Peter Pan.

It is obvious that he is a proud man. He is so proud in fact that he flaunts his style topping off flaming boots and tight tights by wearing a dress and even a cape! He is a performer, that's the reason why he dresses like that, it's just part of his job. What a strange job indeed.

Upright keywords: faithful, lover, envoy, messenger, announcements, news, dedication, duty

This is the card of intoxication and the depravity it spreads. Alcohol is a tool of the devil. Alcohol contains demons that eventually take full possession of the soul when enough is injested. Throughout all history and even before recorded history, alcohol has always been the most popular method of inducing demonic possession.

The husbandman is a perveyor of perversion. Like the vine pictured on the card, it spreads outward like a plague growing in all directions. Pentagrams, the universal symbol of Satan, decorate the vine like a Christmas tree.

The grape vine is one of the best signs to represent evil because they share the same capacity for growth and corruption. The husbandman must carefully restrict the vine's growth just to maintain order. The husbandman may represent an alcoholic or a bartender, someone who manages alcohol.

Upright keywords: money, business, barter, innocence, ingenuity, purgation, enginuity

Adam and Eve after their fall from ignorance are pictured on the Devil card. Under his watch they are chained up like dogs. This is the fate that the Devil wants for all of us, but lucky for us Jesus Christ is our saviour. They have taken on the traits of the Devil under his influence. They are subject to their lower nature which the Devil delights in, having kidnapped God's children.

Arthur Edward Waite, the occultist who masterminded the most infamous version of the tarot deck in history, was known to be a black magician who encouraged grave robbing and other such unthinkable crimes. He wrote all about how to do it in The Book of Black Magic.

The Devil has come to enslave you. He wants to make you a deal you can't refuse so that you wind up selling him your birthright. The Devil feasts on the souls of ignorant fools who play with tarot cards thinking they are going to one-up their fellow men. These methods only work in the short term and are certain to come crashing down on you in the end, much like the next card.

Reversed keywords: torture, beatings, abuse, insults, mockery, personal vendetta, grudge, curse, torment

This is the secret side of the Emperor. He sits in front of his kingdom showing off the the head, heart, and roots of his earthly power. He is rich and powerful because of his master, the devil. The minister of evil greedily clenches the devil's symbol in his vile clutches. He is a conservative oppresser who would go to any lengths to retain his position.

He is firm in his stance, as firm of a stance as possible. The souls of his feet stand atop 2 pentagrams, signifying his permanent attachment to the devil. He has sold his soul and is now the property of Satan. Balancing atop his crown, the pentagram stands for the knowledge of this world.

Satan has been called the god of this world by some, but this is only admission of their own guilt. There shall be no other gods before the LORD. Though it is a mystery why evil is so prevalent in these trying times, we must be strong and not bow before the devil or his servants.

Reversed keywords: suspense, delay, opposition, plot twist, change of plans, monkeywrench, drama