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The Relationship Tarot Reading

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The Relationship Spread

The Relationship

The devil offers relationship advice like a matchmaker of lust. This Relationship spread attempts to break down the realtionship between 2 people using a scientific method of psychology. It is interpreted by analyzing the differences between the matching cards on either side of the relationship.

The first card to be seen is the significator. This card represents the overall theme and mood of the entire relationship. Next we move to interpreting the 2 columns that characterize each individual's role in the pair.

The top row shows the conscious thoughts of each person, or what they think about the relationship and their partner. The middle row, cards #6-3 show the way each individual feels about the other.

The bottom row represents the way each person acts in the relationship. The stance they take could be genuine, or maybe it is just a facade.

The Relationship Reading

  You   Other Person
10 of Pentagrams
2 of Pentagrams

The Fool

The Sun
(external appearance)

8 of Cups
The Hanged Man


The Fool

The Fool is exactly what you are if you are using tarot cards. This card appears as a warning that you are in danger. You better be careful. You could go right over the edge. If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

On top of his complete disregard for the dangers that he tempts, the Fool is obviously a homosexual who is careless even when it comes to committing bestiality. He prances around like a faerie wishing that he could fall into the lap of a big macho man on his descent into debauchery.

The warning this card signifies should be heeded with extreme caution lest you end up falling into a bottomless pit with hell fire and brimstone at the bottom. You had better straighten up your ways too. Just because everybody is gay these days doesn't mean that the LORD has changed the law. Go put on some pants, weirdo.

Upright keywords: careless, flighty, hair-brained, dreamy, wreckless, happy, aloof, happy


Your Thoughts

10 of Pentagrams

The pentagrams are arranged in the form of ancient Egypt's emblem of eternal evil, the Ankh. In this scene we see a family out in front of their house. Again we have grapes and drunkenness, as is familiar with this suit. The devil of wine is known as Dionysos.

Grandpa sits out front getting drunk as usual. The scene is a happy picture of home and hearth. The little girl plays with the family dogs. The family seems to have it all; wealth, happiness, and influence. The problem is that they are a wicked family who may be close with each other, but without friends.

The 10 pentagrams represent the height of power in this suit before moving into the royal court cards. This card shows that strong families are connected with the devil. Even Christ said that he came to break up families because whoever loves their family more than God is not worthy of Him.

Upright keywords: gain, riches, family, archives, home, abode, crest, affluent, upscale, first class

Their Thoughts


The angel in this card is mixing strong drink. The triangle on his robe represents fire, and it is also a sign of alchemy. This enlightened figure looks like the guy who was crucified in the name of Satan on the Hanged Man card. Dipping his injured toes into the soothing pool confirms our suspicion. He was tied up by the same foot in the previous scenario.

We also notice that he's the same angel that appeared on the Lovers card. This guy seems to be a very important figure in the play of the tarot cards. He is apparently a messenger of the LORD, as we can see his face is like the sun.

Upright keywords: healing, rest, regrouping, recovery, restoration, fortification, rebuilding


Your Emotions

2 of Pentagrams

Twice the evil is twice the fun. Also twice the trouble. This joker balances 2 pentagrams, waving his arms like the sea. His perverted sexual innuendo likens himself to a human penis. I will not explain the depraved meanings of his solo dance routine, so not to glorify his self-abuse. It is better not to give this desperate, depraved fool any attention.

He likens the sea to a giant body of flowing semen. This is noticable as he mimics the high tide with his enormous testicles. There is no mistake about it, not wearing that giant condom top hat. The card clearly represents the male mating dance ritual.

The man might be a male stripper as the party clown. There's a better chance that it is just some pathetic chronic masturbator though, a sick soul lustfully devouring itself. Whatever the case, the card is all about a guy with sex on the brain, wearing a condom hat as if his thoughts were erect.

Reversed keywords: gaiety, simulated pleasure, logical sense, writing, composition, exchanging letters

Their Emotions

The Sun

The Sun card has a strange image of what appears to be an extremely happy child. Riding his own pony, what kid wouldn't be elated? The child's face is like the face of the sun, which also happens to resemble all those sun flowers in the background.

The Sun boldly beams light in every direction. Everything in the world depends upon it. Those who depend upon something tend to mimic it. This card is trying to tell you to follow other gods like foolish children who idolize rock stars in their silly little dreams.

Did I forget to mention that the child is naked? What more needs to be said?

Reversed keywords: overflowing, too much, surplus, profuse, overbearing, lavish, glut


Your Facade

8 of Cups

This card shows a guy who stored up a treasure while isolating himself. When he finally completes his collection, he realizes that there is no fulfillment in his reward. Now he has all these cups, but no friends to share them with. He is a hermit on an island, symbolic of a period of loneliness.

It's poetic justice that he has all the treasure he ever dreamed of and that it is still empty. He gets what he deserves. He has burned his bridges and now all the treasure in the world would not mean anything.

His evil ways of hunting treasure on Earth at the expense of people has come full circle. The rewards that he reaps are barren cups of gold, a painful reminder of what he has sacrificed to gain this treasure. His abandonment of the cups is the only ray of light in that now he has at least learned why a rich man can not go to heaven.

Upright keywords: mildness, timidity, honour, modesty, decline, empty victory, hollow pursuits

Their Facade

The Hanged Man

The poor guy that was lynched on this oddly shaped vine has discovered enlightenment. They tied both hands behind his back and even went so far as to tie one leg behind the other.

Sometimes it is good to contemplate your existence and purpose, to become more aware and in touch with God. But this kind of satanic mimicking of the crucifixion is outrageous. The blatant satanic symbolism of the man hanging upside down on the cross may be the most blasphemous card of the whole deck, in a deck full of abominations.

Upright keywords: self-sacrifice, forfeit, give up, let go, surrender, offer

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